Burbank DUI Lawyers
- Michael Jones:
THE CRIMINAL PROCESS Arraignment:
This is the first
appearance in a criminal case. It is at the arraignment where an
individual is formally charged with a crime. The issue of bail is
also addressed at the arraignment. The court, after hearing from
both attorneys will make a decision on setting bail. You may be
released on your written promise to appeal, ("O.R.") or you
may be required to post a certain amount of money. In the most
serious cases, you may be held without bail. Pre-Trial:
This is usually the second
appearance in a criminal case. The pre-trial gives the attorneys
in the case an opportunity to discuss legal and factual issues amongst
themselves or, on occasion, with the judge. The pre-trial may
result in a negotiated plea-agreement wherein certain charges are
dismissed or a certain sentence is guaranteed in exchange for a guilty
plea. It is important to know that the decision on whether to
accept or reject a negotiated plea-agreement always belongs to the
accused. Neither the attorneys nor the judge can ever force an
individual to "plead guilty". Preliminary Hearing:
The Preliminary
Hearing, or "Prelim" is held in every felony case. The
purpose of the "Prelim" is to give the judge an opportunity
to hear the evidence. After hearing the evidence, the judge
determines if there is "sufficient cause" to believe the
charges against the accused. If so, the judge "binds"
the accused over and the sends the case to the Superior Court.
If, however, the judge does NOT find that the sufficient cause exists,
the case will be dismissed against the accused. Trial:
Every individual charged with a
criminal offense has the Constitutional right to a jury trial. At
trial, a panel of twelve persons (a "jury") selected by the
attorneys, determines if the accused is guilty or not guilty.
Both the Prosecuting Attorney and the Defense Attorney are permitted to
present evidence and "put on their case." If you are
found not guilty, then your case is finished. If, however, you
are found guilty, then the case proceeds to the sentencing
phase. Sentencing:
This step
is handled exclusively by the judge without the jury. At the
hearing, all factors are taken into consideration in determining the
sentence imposed by the court. Both the Prosecuting Attorney and the
Defense Attorney are given the opportunity to speak to the court
regarding important issues. Your Defense Attorney should always
argue for a probationary sentence or minimum incarceration.
- Thomas Cotrell:
A lawyer, engineer and surgeon were debating theology.
Specifically, what profession did God belong to?
1) The surgeon: "Eve was created when God took a rib out of Adam. This is the first recorded surgical procedure".
2) The engineer: "True, but prior to that, He created, or designed and built, the world out of the void and chaos. That makes Him an engineer".
3) The lawyer: "Agreed, BUT, Who created the void and chaos?"
An Ethical Dilemma.
You are taking a mid-morning break from work, walking through a
nearby park with a newspaper in one hand
and a fresh cup of coffee in the other. Twenty yards to your right you spot a prominent divorce
lawyer being mauled by a stray pit bull dog. Twenty yards to your
left you then discover an equally prominent criminal defense
attorney being attacked by muggers.
Do you:
a) Finish your coffee, or
b) Sit down and read the paper?
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through
a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it
and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only
grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and
the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the partner.
The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Six. Five to prepare the environmental impact report, one to get the
secretary to do it.
A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw an elderly priest at
the side of the road. He stopped to give him a ride. Further down the road
the truck driver saw a lawyer along the side of the road, and turned the
truck on a direct course to hit him. Then he thought, "Wait, I have a priest
in the truck. I can't run down that lawyer." So at the last second the truck
driver swerved to miss him. Although he thought he hadn't hit the lawyer, the
truck driver still heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his
mirror and saw the lawyer laying unconscious on the side of the road.
Ashamed for what he had done, the truck driver turned to the priest and said
"I'm so sorry Father, I really tried to miss that lawyer."
The priest said,
"Don't worry son, I got him with my door."
How expensive were Jeffrey Dahmer's lawyers?
They cost him an arm and a leg
An apocryphal story arose from the September 11 terrorist attacks. It seems that a partner with
a major law firm in the World Trade Center towers went out
to a rendezvous with his mistress that morning.
The couple met in a nearby motel on Long Island
where they enjoyed each other's company
for a number of hours without any sort of interruption.
Just before noon, the attorney and his
companion decided to part company. He turned on his
cell phone which immediately started ringing. The lawyer
answered it. His wife, obviously distressed, asked him where he was, saying that she had been trying to contact him
all morning. He tried calming her down, reassuring her that everything was as it should be, that he was at his office.
How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?
Cut the rope.
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a
trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the
defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real
disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The
man can"t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is
one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both
counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If
either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
A man buys a stray dog from the pound, but has no idea how to train it. He goes to a highly recommended obedience school. The dean of this school takes him on the tour, reassuring him that the dogs "are actually trained to be like their owners".
By way of demonstration, the man is escorted to an enclosed play area outside by the kennel. There are a pile of bone-shaped doggie treats in the middle of the play area. One dog comes in, and stacks and arranges the treats into a miniature two-room cabin. The dean explains thusly: "That dog's owner is an architect".
A second dog comes in, spots the cabin. It looks around it for a minute or so, and then collects a few tree branches, flowers, and tufts of grass from around the play area and skillfully arranges them as if they were trees, flowers and lawn, around the cabin. "That one's proud owner is a landscape designer and gardener".
The dean, the prospective customer and the two dogs then do nothing but wait for another two hours. Then a third dog walks in, promptly mounts both dogs, then knocks down the cabin and all its decorations and eats all the treats there. The man looks at the dean then asks: "My ex's divorce lawyer?".
A clergyman, doctor and lawyer all die and arrive simultaneously at The Pearly Gates. St. Peter meets them and explains "Congratulations on making it this far. However, you each have to answer one question correctly to get in."
To the clergyman: "What was the worst shipping disaster in history?"
"That's easy. The Titanic."
"OK, you can go in"
To the doctor: "How many died?"
"About 1,500."
"Close enough, welcome to Heaven."
To the lawyer: "OK, name them".
A prominent mob boss, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his
accountant. The mobster asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks
you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The mobster asks
again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you,
but I can interpret for you."
The mobster says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million
dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The attorney interprets to his client, "He doesn't know what you're talking
about."
The mobster pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks
the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The
accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the
shed in my backyard!"
The mobster says, "Well, what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the mob boss, "He says that you don't have the guts
to pull the trigger."
A woman walks into a post office one day to see a man standing at the counter
placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all
over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying each
envelope. The woman goes up to the man
and asks him what he is doing. He replies, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine
cards signed 'Guess who?'". "But why?" she asks. "I'm a divorce
lawyer".
Two lawyers are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. The customers,
including the attorneys, are thrown up against a wall and the robbers proceed
to grab their wallets, watches, jewelry and so forth. While this is going
on, the first lawyer jams something into the second one's hand. Without
looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What's this?" The first lawyer
replies, "It's the $50 I owe you."
Why did the lawyer's chicken cross the road? He had an easement.
An attorney is felled with a heart attack and has to undergo emergency bypass surgery. The procedure is successful, and he subsequently awakens in a private hospital room with the shades and blinds tightly drawn. A nurse comes in, and he asks her why the windows were closed like that. She replies: "There"s this five-alarm fire blazing across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure when you woke up."
A lawyer dies and goes to
Hell. Upon arrival in the Inferno, he is guided by a demon to his
punishment cell. They pass one cell that features, of all things,
a drop-dead gorgeous blonde being ravished by, of all people,
the lawyer's former partner. The lawyer turns to the demon and asks: "What's with this? My old partner was easily more corrupt than I was. He bribed judges, suborned perjury, staged accidents, and commingled client funds, things I only dreamed of doing!"
The demon replies: "Quiet! Who are you to judge that woman's punishment?"
You Need A New Lawyer When....
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Three. The rest are true stories.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One's a slimy, cold-blooded scum-sucking bottom feeder. The other's a fish.
What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and everybody else thinks they're not jokes.
A doctor and a lawyer got into a car accident, on a small country road. The
lawyer had figured that nobody else would be on the road, and had raced
through a stop sign. The doctor, on a cross street, had no time to react and
couldn't have missed the lawyer if he had tried. Fortunately, neither driver
was hurt.
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from
his battered car and offered him a drink from a hip flask.The doctor
accepted, took a deep drink, and handed the flask back to the lawyer. The
lawyer held the flask for a minute or two, and gave it to the doctor again.
The doctor took another swig. He again returned the flask to the lawyer, who
closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Not now," answered the lawyer. "I'll have something after the police leave."
Q: What is a contingent fee?
A: A contingent fee means, if the lawyer doesn't win your suit, he gets
nothing. If the lawyer does win it, you get nothing.
A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same
moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as
they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope
gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else,
and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold
thread, and Gucci shoes.
Then, they get to see where they're going to live(?).The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a
Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room
mansion with servants and a swimming pool.
At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard fare, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.
By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels
in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This
guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets,
and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of
everything?"
The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."
Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one
to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the
tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it
out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.
About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned,
growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they
continued.
Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted
tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare,
angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"
The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you.
But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
A young man is nursing a drink in the local single's bar when a young woman of
great beauty walks up and takes the stool next to him. He buys her a drink, and
they strike up a conversation. Into the talk, she volunteers that "I could just
screw you or anyone else, it doesn't matter to me, it doesn't matter where, right now."
He replies: "And which law firm are you with?"
The City of Burbank sent its police chief, fire chief, and city attorney to a municipal
management conference in Fresno. While driving through rural Kern County, their
car broke down, and they sought assistance at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer
told them that the local garage was closed, and that they were welcome to
spend the night, but that he only had one spare bed. He told them that
somebody could sleep on his couch, but that one of them would have to spend
the night in his barn.
The police chief announced that he would volunteer to sleep in the barn. A
short time later there was a knock at the door. It was the police chief,
complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, and they
reminded him of insults that had been yelled at him, and he was too
disturbed to sleep.
The fire chief stated that he would trade with the police chief, and went
out to the barn. A short time later, again there was rapping at the door.
It was the fire chief, who complained that the cows in the barn reminded
him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow, that started the great Chicago fire. He tried to sleep,
but kept having nightmares where they kicked over
lanterns and set the barn ablaze.
The city attorney declared, "You two are such babies. I will go sleep in
the barn." Everything seemed fine, until a few minutes later, when another
knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, they
found the very indignant cows and pigs.
A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do," said the bartender.
"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
Actual trial questions and answers:
Q: "Is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q: "All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
Q: "Do you recall the time you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him."
Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere."
More Courtroom Colloquy:
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and
asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle
of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my
husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier
than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want
a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
Several attorneys are in the conference room of an all-male firm.
A cell phone on the table rings and a partner enages the
hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
LAWYER: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the office?"
LAWYER: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
Leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
LAWYER: "Sure. Go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw
the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
LAWYER: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000."
LAWYER: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we
wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking
$950,000."
LAWYER: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just
offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later. I love you!"
LAWYER: "Bye, I love you, too."
The partner hangs up as the other men in the room look at him in astonishment.
Then he asks:
"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot
instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers
take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later the pilot asked the flight attendants
if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here,"
came the reply, "except for one lawyer who's still
passing out business cards."
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a
felony trial - it went like this:
Q. "Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A. "No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away."
Q. "Officer, who provided this description?"
A. "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q. "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A. "Yes sir, with my life."
Q. "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have
a locker room in the police station - a room where you change
your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A. "Yes sir, we do."
Q. "And do you have a locker in that room?"
A. "Yes sir, I do."
Q. "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A. "Yes sir."
Q. "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with
your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a
room you share with those same officers?"
A. "You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
Jack decided to go skiing with his lawyer friend, Bob. They loaded up
Jack's
mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got
caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked
the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the
night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house
all to myself, but I'm recently "widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid
the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "Well be happy to sleep in the barn. And
if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light,"
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and
they
got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from another
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the lawyer of that attractive widow he had
met
on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember
that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday
up north?"
"Yes, I do.
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I
have to
admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your
name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I
did.
Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
At the onset of the Persian Gulf War, an attorney,
who was an army reservist, was called up
to serve in the tank cavalry.
In the heat of the short battle, he was driving the tank up one
side of a dune. Ascending the other side of the same dune was an
Iraqi tank.
Both vehicles collide at the crest and come to a stop.
The Iraqi gets out of his tank, drops his rifle and throws up his arms, yelling
"I surrender, I surrender!" The American attorney scrambles out, grabs his own
neck and cries out "Whiplash, whiplash!".
Note: A generally reliable source claims the following is a true story:
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive
cigars, then insured them against fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars
without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy,
the attrorney filed a claim against the insurance company in which stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
small fires."
The insurer refused to pay, citing the obvious reason
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and won.
The Judge noted the lawyer
held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the
cigars, without any qualification or exception, were insured against
fire. This obligated the insurer to honor the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 for the loss of
the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
However, after the attorney cashed the check, the
insurer had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own
insurace claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the
lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and
was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
Return to California DUI Lawyers
|